to feign enough pomposity to be a true intellectual, Klyde Morris is the
ice hockey version of an intellectual. In fact, if life were a hockey game,
Klyde would be the referee.
Native to a mid-Michigan corn
field, Klyde broke from ant society, where the socially accepted path
is to seek a career of scurrying randomly around looking for discarded
sweets or dragging twigs clear of the nest entrance. Klyde elected to
seek a career among the humans, where an ant can be squashed as an after-thought.
Naturally, Klyde never really quite "fit in" among the humans who were
always pointing out that "after all" he was still just an ant.
Being the perpetual non-quitter,
Klyde decided that in order to compete in a world of humans he would
need a career and a college education. Unfortunately, most colleges
and universities did not admit ants. This was no deterrent to Klyde,
who lives by the motto, "Scam and ye shall receive". Obtaining an application
from the Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, Klyde cleverly filled
in his height and weight in metric figures. This allowed him to be truthful
while knowing full well that the people who screen such documents have
little or no ability to readily convert such figures. The only snag
was that the university was, at that time, sending every approved applicant
a free T-shirt, and were asking for Klyde's shirt size in the application
paperwork. There was the outside chance that a shirt size of "XXMicro
small" may tip off the admissions people to the fact that something
was different about Klyde Morris. There was, however, the universal
constant that says that all university administrators increase in their
density once the applicant's deposits are paid. Klyde sent his application
along with his deposit and was promptly admitted to the university.
He was also sent a T-shirt... in the proper size.
Once at Embry-Riddle, Klyde
found that for the first time in his life, he "fit in". The reason was
that at Embry-Riddle it did not matter if you were tall, short, man,
woman, black, white, yellow, green, or even an ant- all that mattered
was how good you could fly. Unlike most ants, Klyde Morris had a knack
for flying airplanes, but after college he found that the real world
was very different from college and he is often only accepted by people
because it is too politically incorrect to shun an "Ant-American".
Within the Klyde / people interface,
some odd things tend to happen. Klyde sees things on his television
and hears stuff on his radio that most of us would secretly like to
see and hear. He is also constantly chased by the "Student loan guy"
a grim reaper of sorts who lurks in the shadows waiting to slice Klyde's
little head off. Although Klyde has no personal vices and does not smoke
or drink, he is addicted to two things- he constantly watches the "Non-conformist
Network" on his TV and is a hockey junkie.